Two Mothers In One Home: You And Your In-Law.

Photo courtesy of grandparents.about.com

It's been more than a year that Lisa* is living under one roof with her in laws after she got married to her husband. Things looked perfectly fine and harmonious in the family. Frequent family dining, plenty of conversations etc. As a new addition to the family, Lisa was very well taken care of by his husband's family too, they treated her like one of them. It was indeed one big happy family. It wasn't as much of the same as before since the birth of Lisa's first baby girl though. For instance, there are two mothers instead of one in the house. Lisa is one, her mother in law is the other. They have never bickered over anything but this changed when baby arrived in the family. This cute little baby girl is the love of Lisa's life (besides her husband) and is also the precious princess of her grandmother. That was when problems started arising and how "The Clash of the  Mothers" began. Both Lisa and her mother in law wants to shower baby girl with love and care in THIER OWN WAYS.

Man are made uniquely different. That said, mothers are unique individuals too. Because of the indifferences in caring and loving Lisa's baby, there were many times Lisa and her mother in law got into "friendly" disagreements. They did not raise their voices, it was more like a "try to keep the smile" while they debated. But deep down, both of them weren't exactly happy. Neither of them were to blame, It just happened that the two caring mothers are loving the same baby...under one roof.

Lisa was very determined right from the start to raise her baby the way she wants. Well, it did not turn out the way she wanted it to be. Somewhere, somehow, her ways just get interfered with. Living under the same roof, no one want things to turn ugly in the family, Lisa too, longed for peace in the family. Thus, she does not know how to make it clear to her mother in law in the nicest way so that she will fully return Lisa her rights to raise her own baby and still not be offended.

Lisa perfectly understands that everything her mother in law has done for her baby was good. They were acts of love to her baby but she couldn't help having occasional meltdown. Her mother in law's presence around her baby makes Lisa nervous. People said anxiety and moodiness are part of baby blues and they will go away when the body feels better from childbirth. They never really go away In Lisa's case. The intensity of her anxiety level pretty much fluctuates like a roller coaster. Her baby is one year of age now and she is still tensed. She has never stopped worrying..

When baby was on total milk feedings, she was worried that her baby was being overfed or underfed.

When baby first started crawling, she was worried that her baby got placed in the baby walker all the time to "learn walk and skip crawling".

When baby looked at adults' food in curiosity before she hits 6 months mark, she was worried that her baby was fed with food. (Lisa's worry was valid, being extra careful wasn't overreacting because what if her baby really did had a food allergy and she was fed with it?) 

And when baby first started solid food, she was even worried that her baby was fed with all sorts of food.

The list just goes on and on and on... 

Most of the time, Lisa gets her say over her baby. But as long as there are two mothers in the same house, she has never been in full control as a role of a mother. The two mothers in the house have 2 complete different set of ways on caring for babies. Lisa believes its never too early to allow her baby to start being independent. While on the other hand, her mother in law believes she needs to "do it all" for baby because she is very young to understand independency. Lisa has lost count of the times she had bury her head in her pillow and cried behind closed door. No one really is able to sympathise with her, perhaps except for the mothers' support group she is in where some mothers are facing the same complicated issue as her. Her relationship with her husband suffered too. Poor middleman husband comes home from a long day at work and find Lisa all sullen on many days. They communicated, they argued and then made up with each other, only to start the same cycle over again the next day.

It excites Lisa to know that she and her husband's home is finally going to be ready in a few more months to come. She loves the joy and unity in the family, she loves her extended family. But its time to return everyone in the family their deserved space (literally) and freedom. There are blurred boundaries while staying under one roof, where it can be easy for each other to butt into one another's life unknowingly. There is no right or wrong to stay together with in laws under one roof, but Lisa believes the family ties will be strong or if not, stronger when they live close but not too close together... 

Who Are We To Judge?

There is a Chinese actress in her late 30s, let's call her M*. M is hailed by critics and netizens as China's queen of television. She is also known for her youthful-looking beauty too. Well, as you become well known and famous, you get more negative (not just positive) comments from people. Some people like you, some people don't. A netizen who obviously isn't a big fan of M criticised her on an online forum with a photo of M's hands below her comment, "Her hands has exposed her age even if she takes good care of her face! Look at her pair of hands, they are so wrinkled!". 

A look back at M's background before she became a rising star in the film industry, she was actually a dishwasher. At the age of 15, her sick parents passed away due to inadequate medical care during the early days. M, as the eldest in the family, became the sole breadwinner of the family. She had to stop schooling to work so that she could provide for her siblings. She washed dishes in restaurants until one day, she was talent scouted by a production company while she was on her way home after work.

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Keith* had been seeing the same old man loitering around his house estate aimlessly for the past few days. The old man appeared to be unkempt and had an unpleasant stench. He ate the leftovers from the diners at the eateries and slept at void decks. It was raining that day when Keith returned home from work. There, he saw the same old man sleeping at a corner of the void deck again. The old man curled up  on the chilly floor, as though he was trying to keep himself warm. Keith felt sympathy and at the same time, injustice for the old man, "He needs to be well taken care of! Where are his children? How can they treat their father in this manner?!". Keith decided that he should make this known to everyone. He snapped a photo of the old man, posted it on his social media with a headline "Unfilial children abandon Dad", only to find out that the old man's children were desperately looking for their missing senile father.

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Brian is a well-to-do man with his own house, own car and is his own boss. Every now and then, there will be people who sarcastically criticise him, "We are poor, unlikely him, he can take money issues lightly because he is rich!". Until they know of his past, they would not think like how they think of him now. At 16, he came to Singapore alone to pursue his studies. His family was not wealthy to start with, he had to depend on his own after his father paid for his school fee. Brian could only afford to rent a small room with a storage cabinet and a bed in it. After graduation, he started working. He was still living in the same room at that time, until one day, he finally had enough money to buy his own place. During the years while living in the rented room, his bed was his study/working table and the floor was his chair. He hunched his back while he studied and worked on his laptop. He stands, walks and sits with a round shouldered slouch now but he has attained his goal. He was not born a rich man's son neither is his success given by anyone, he had worked for it and paid a price for it too.

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Many a time, people are quick to jump into conclusions. Perhaps it is time to speak a little slower, watch a little longer and think a little deeper. Every single person on this planet has a story. Don't judge them before you truly know them because the truth may just simply surprise you. There's a saying that I totally agree with,

 "Don't judge me until you know me.

Don't underestimate me until you challenge me.

And don't talk about me until you've talked to me."

Judging someone else will only mean how insecure the person actually feels of himself. And as in the bible, Jesus had said "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Before anyone starts pointing fingers, make sure his/her hands are clean.. Instead of spending time judging others, why not do something else that is more meaningful? Because every moment spent judging someone else is precious time wasted..

What do you think? 

2016 New Year Resolutions for a Happier Life!

How was your 2015 so far? If you were having a good year, make it even better this year! And if you weren't, don't beat yourself up because 2016 is here for you! If you have not made any new year resolutions yet, do it now! (:

1. Save up and go on a solo travel to any places/countries you have always 
wanted to go.

When I was a cabin crew, I would explore places of a country on my own occasionally. Be it to a famous attraction or just to a park nearby the hotel. The feeling of having all the time to yourself to plan the day was  indescribable good. Anytime and anywhere at your own convenience. Try it, because we can get too busy and life can be stressful sometimes. We need some time for nothing but ourselves. To rejuvenate our mind and soul, coming back as a recharged and motivated person, ready to start working hard; working well!

Photo taken in 2013. Château De Versailles, Paris

2. Develop a good money sense. 

Before you can save or invest, you need to know your monthly expenses well. Start off with noting down the different expenses for each month. It will give you a clearer view of the essential spendings and the unnecessary expenditures which you might want to do without or cutdown on.

3. Keep Moving!
Let's not let any factors refrain us from leading a healthier lifestyle. It's time to start exercising! You don't need to go crazy on the treadmill for an hour. Start slow and be consistent is the key! Give up 15 to 30 minutes a day of your TV or cellphone time for workouts. You'll probably feel happier after a workout than scrolling the newsfeed on your cellphone and found out that some Hollywood celebrity "surprised" his fans with his new shocking platinum blonde hairstyle. 

4. Make a change to your living space.
Give your home a new look! You can rearrange furnitures, repaint the walls etc. Or anything that gives you a fresh feeling and feels good of your home. Be it having a soft warm side lamp in the living room for better ambience or getting a pot of plant for your balcony.

Photo courtesy of Airows.com

5. Nurture Relationships.
Mom called one day and asked how was baby and I. I could sense that she was longing to see us from the tone of her voice. I felt horrible at that instance, realising that I haven't visited her for quite some time. Caring for my baby shouldn't be an excuse to neglect the rest of my loved ones. I wasn't so busy to an extent I have no time anything else, isn't it?  "Mama, I'll see you tomorrow." Her voice brightened up immediately, "OK! I shall see you tomorrow then!". Understand that people will never be around forever. Don't wait to show your loved ones that you care and love them because they may leave you before you know it. Start today. Every now and then,  give your family or friends you cherish a call or meet up with them.

Even to just have a simple dinner on busy days.. It makes a whole lot of difference. 

6. Challenge your limit.
I have a close friend who has a great interest in property. According to him, he has been spending years on newspaper reading and online research to help him understand more on housing and property. He challenged himself to memorise as many properties prices as possible. And now, he has quite an accurate gauge of the property prices even without having to check on them. He has since became a successful investor. Well, I don't mean that any challenges you post to yourself have to make you successful. Its just that people grow stronger as they surpass their limits over and over again. You'll be surprise how far you can go and how much insight you'll gain as you accomplish the challenge! Challenge your limit this 2016!

7. Be kind to yourself.
Lastly... When matters are not the way you hope it would be, don't beat yourself up. Instead,  be optimistic, knowing that sometimes, some things are irreversible and unchangeable. There is always sunshine after the rain. Be grateful for who you are and what you have. Love yourself too as you love your loved ones!

Wishing everyone a fruitful and happy new year ahead!

A Great Way To Understand Your Baby And Him Understanding You.

Ever wish your baby can express his needs by telling you instead of crying in distress? They can if we, parents are willing to teach them a way to. But how? Sign language may be a way.. 

Baby Liv knows how to express her needs for hunger and thirst before she learns to talk. I started sign language with her when she was at a tender age of six months old. Of course, I felt silly because it was like talking and making weird actions to myself. But I believed she would eventually understands me. One day, at nine months old, Liv started signing back at me. I was having lunch  magazine while she was busy crawling around the room. Then, I heard constant 'baaa baaa baa..." from her. Was she practicing her speech? NO! As I looked up at her, she was looking back at me impatiently with one hand holding onto her Gerber cereal snack and the other hand doing the "eat" sign! She was telling me that she wanted some snacks to eat! I was ecstatic!

Baby Liv is curious with everything around her and teaching her sign language is in fact one of the best thing to do to allow her to explore even further. 

There are so many classes for babies and as a first time mother, I was unsure of what was suitable for Liv to participate in. I understand that babies need a certain amount of exposure to their surroundings. For e.g activities, things, people etc. But at the same time I do not want to pack a string of activities for my baby that may tire her out. She is still young, she needs her own time and as much shut-eye as possible. I believe babies should not be caught up with rigid schedules. They should learn and grow on their own pace day by day, having free time for self exploring. Even if it means to simply roam around the house and pull out all his diapers from the diapers storage. Every little things happening around him is a whole new experience! Well, anyway, a mother friend of mine suggested baby sign language classes for Liv. I hesitated awhile because I was a little worried that sign language might interfere with her verbal language skills, signing rather than talking. It was then that I did some research found many benefits to it!

Stimulates brain development

When learning sign language, it requires one to use both left and right hemisphere of the brain. Whereas when learning just spoken language, it only uses the left hemisphere of the brain. Research had found that children exposed to sign language as babies has a 12 points higher I.Q. at eight years of age than non-signing children. Wow!

Improved confidence

Babies feel the increased confidence with their ability in expressing their needs. Their thoughts and feelings are easily put across. They may develop an eagerness to learn and are more willing to try a new activity. And because they understand signs, they know what is to come, they sense security and is more confident too.

Increased vocabulary and language skills

Parents are worried that sign language might hinder their child's verbal language development but in fact, research indicates that signing may actually improve vocabulary and language. Parents tend to describe more and emphasise each words we say as we sign, that in turn allow our child to be able to develop verbal language earlier. The more they are spoken to and engaged with, the more likely they are going to try on their own. 

Less Frustration

Because signing babies are able to communicate their needs, they cry and fuss less. It cuts the frustration levels in both parents and babies. Our little cute pie do not have to stage tantrums and meltdowns while we, parents do not have to keep guessing why they are distraught. 

Closer Bond

Have you wondered how babies think, see and feel? Many a times, I do wonder how Liv looks at the world. How she felt when I leave her for awhile to run errands? Was she excited over her first merry go round ride? Did something frighten her that made her cried? Sign language allows deeper understanding between us and our child. Each time he uses a sign and you respond, you build a strong bond between you and your baby. As he realises that the both of you can communicate even before he can speak to you verbally, he grows to be confident in you and trust you.

Developing a deep connection with your baby that is long lasting and irreplaceable.

Classes for sign language are readily available. Type "Sign Language Classes for Babies in Singapore" on the search engine and viola! A list of schools to choose from. Another alternative to classes is to self teach your babies, which is what I am doing now. The reason being is that I am with her most of the time. I am given the opportunities to incorporate actions in my verbal conversations with her all the time. For example, to bathe, to play, to sleep etc. She gets to communicate with me on  a daily basis too. Classes or self teach, I feel that it is beneficial anyway. Interaction is the key!

Now, at 12 months old, Liv is still practising sign language. She still do not know how to do many signs but she sure does understands me when I sign to her. More fun and less frustration between us! Teaching babies sign language requires consistency and most importantly, patience. They may seem uninterested or not paying attention to you, but they actually are! And one day, they are going to surprise you! 

Liv's hand signs can sometimes be a little off from the actual signs but it is still understandable. Here she was in the picture, signing "more" as I fed her. 

First Birthday Present To Our Baby

Greetings from Japan! The long awaited day is here! Baby Liv is one year old today and we are currently in Hokkaido to celebrate her first birthday. (She is loving the cold weather here!) Not that she can recall of, but S and I promised we would share with her these memories that were also part of hers in the form of videos and photos when she is older. (:

Konichiwa!

Very often, I would watch Liv while she is fast asleep because looking at her brings back the memories of her for the past year. I have witnessed her roll over for the first time, wave her hands for the first time, ate her food on her own for the first time.. She is growing up fast, it felt like I was pregnant with her not long ago...

I remember somewhere around week 16 of my pregnancy, I started feeling small fluttering movements in my tummy. It felt like my stomach was grumbling, as though it was digesting the food I just had. Liv's movements became more apparent to me as days went by. On some days, I would let out an "Ouch!" instantaneously. And on some nights, I would be jostled awake. Her strong karate jabs and somersaults could sometimes hurt a little but they were assuring. It was as if she was using her movements to tell me, "Mommy, I'm strong and healthy, so please do not worry." S was equally excited over her movements too. We spent every night before bed to sing and talk to her. We would gently massage my belly, hoping to feel her little elbow or knee against our palms. Sometimes if we were lucky, we probably got what it felt like a fist bump from her. The movement of life inside a mother-to-be can be the most amazing feeling she can never forget. It was a kind of indescribable bonding with my unborn baby then. (:

A day before Liv's estimated due date, she decided that she was ready to meet mom and dad. A sudden sharp pain hit me while I was sleeping. It was nothing like the usual braxton hicks I had been experiencing in the last few gestation weeks. Right then, I understood what mothers meant when they said "you'll know it when it is the real deal." Don't bother asking anyone or looking up the internet on how real labor pain feels like because it's true, I knew I was in labor when the contractions started! I could barely walk when the contractions became more regular. I was huffing and puffing with every step I took. They were way more painful than any sort of stomach cramps that I have experienced. But thank God for a considerably short labour. Well, a little fast that S and I were unable to react. >.< Baby was delivered minutes after I was told to start pushing! Liv probably felt the same way too because she looked kind of bewildered by the sudden change of environment. *laugh* One thing for sure was that she seemed to sense our presence, her cry ceased as soon as we received her from the nurse. I cradled her in my arms, her tiny body against mine. I took in her baby scent and our eyes finally met each other for the first time. At that moment, the world around me seems to come to a pause. I have been waiting to see her all these while. I used to look at her ultrasound pictures everyday, picturing her over and over again. The lips of mine, the nose of S... "She's so beautiful", I thought to myself. It was indeed love at first sight. Nine months of pregnancy related discomfort and the intense pain during labor did not matter anymore because Liv is worth it all..

"Being a young mom means that we met a little early, but it also means that I get to love you a little longer."

Today, my tummy is no longer firm and flat, neither is my hip small enough to fit into a size 0 again. But no one can bring me down by shaming me of my saggy tummy and widened hip because it is a new shape with a purpose. I love my current body more than ever and I am not shy to say that I am proud of it. It has created a new life, a miracle that I called "my child". So do all the mothers, don't feel upset nor ashamed of your postpartum body. They once provided the best environment for our babies to grow, they are beautiful. (:

Something to share with all of you, and eventually to Liv..

Our 1st birthday present to our little girl this December...

Happy 1st birthday, Liv.

With Love, 

Mom & Dad

How Being a Cabin Crew Had Made Me An Even Better Person.

We have heard it all, " Cabin crew seems to be a glamorous job but it's actually not the case!". Cabin crew hopefuls whom I came across with said that too. Many have claimed that we are "stewardess" by name but are actually one person with many roles at work. A babysitter, maid, toilet cleaner, safety officer etc. Yet there are still so many hopefuls attending airlines' recruitments. Why is that so? My guess (I might be wrong) for the top reason is that cabin crews get to travel worldwide for free. That is one attractive perk isn't it? You get to travel all over the world at no cost and immerse in the countries' cultures, eat authentic cuisines, be lost in their beautiful cities and sceneries etc.

I used to think that way too until I became a cabin attendant in JAL (Japan Airlines), that was just before I settled down and became a stay home mom. There were so much to learn as a crew and I've gained much insight (not weight :p) from my flying days..

Gaining Confidence

I was someone who feared to speak to strangers, it was so bad I could stutter through the entire conversation. Being a crew requires one to communicate extensively with passengers from all over the world. And the fact that I worked for a Japanese company, I had to listen and speak Japanese most of the time. I wasn't shy to speak the language even if I got my sentence structures or words wrong because fellow Japanese colleagues would correct me just like I corrected some of their English. We were all learning together. That made us less fearful and more confident.

Finding happiness

At work, I was required to be of many job roles. I certainly did not like toilet cleaning, but I like to keep my galley clean and tidy at all time. I did not like to arrange newspapers before boarding, but I enjoyed doing nice food plating for my passengers. I disliked storing hefty baggages in the overhead compartments but I loved babysitting children when their parents need some rest. In fact, there were more likes than dislikes. Today, when I feel unhappy to work on a particular task, I would then look for another thing that I like to do so it pretty much will balance up. I am happy at the end of the day. Happiness is in our own hands and cabin crew job had taught me how I can do to be happy each day. 

Cherishing the time spent with family

Crews are not home for all occasions, we are bound to miss a few. Festive seasons, celebrations or even to bid farewell to loved ones for the last time. Both my grandpas passed away while I was in overseas. I received a text from Dad upon arrival to another country that my paternal grandpa had left us. Months later, cousin texted me with an equally devastating news, my maternal grandpa had passed on too, I was going to return home the next day. :( I was not able to bid farewell to any of them. It pained me to know that I will never hear from them anymore. And because of these, it made me realised the importance of spending time with my loved ones.  I cherish every single moment that I get to be with them. Even for a simple dinner, or just a call for a short chat. Don't wait to express our love to our loved ones because before we know it, they might be gone and we will never see them again..

There are more character building opportunities than just simply traveling for free and I'm thankful that I was once a trolley dolley. Flying had made me become an even better person.. (:

Done with One Child.

Baby Liv was born about a year ago in December and she has already brought abundance of joy to the family. Friends and relatives have begun asking when will we plan for a second baby too. The truth is, we are good with just one child. Liv is growing up fast and as much as possible, we want to be there for her as she reaches her milestones. We are enjoying the moment very much now.

To top it off, living in Singapore is similar to living in a big rat race where it can sometimes be too stressful to juggle with work and child at the same time. S is working and I will eventually rejoin the workforce. We are not sure if we can still spend as much time with her if another baby comes along too. And the fact that the standard of living here is high, more kids equal to more expenses. We feel that we should not be stretched too thin financially. It may sound practical but this is reality: the more we own, the more we need to maintain. It applies to having more children too.

Insufficient sleep for months had took a toll on my overall mental and physical health. I was always tired and moody. Liv never slept before 2am and woke after 830am when she was a newborn. She took cat naps which never lasted more than fifteen minutes and she would wake the moment we placed her down.  As she approaches her first birthday, things get easier, she has her sleep routine figured out and has stopped waking for night feeds. Bygone are those sleep deprived days! I am finally getting a full eight hours uninterrupted snooze that I longed for and would appreciate it to stay this way. True that every babies differ, baby number 2 may be a great sleeper but as long as there is a baby in the house, parents generally have less sleep.

Aside from all I have mentioned, the main reason I am good with one child is because I'm afraid of going through pregnancy again. I naturally overthink during my pregnant days. "Is my baby growing well?","Healthy?", "In good position for birthing yet?", the list just went on and on. Not many people, probably only S and my close kins and friends knew of this. I had a detailed ultrasound scan when I was five months pregnant with Liv. That day was unforgettable. It was a Tuesday, S and I woke up before our alarm could wake us. We were both excited and looking forward to see our little one's growth progress. The scan result came as a surprise to us, it was not something that we would have expected. Our gynae had made an abnormal finding in Liv's tiny heart. She was found with aberrant right subclavian artery (ARSA), where the ARSA was not seen in the normal position, it was seen crossing behind the trachea, towards her right arm, arising as a fourth branch of the aortic arch. Here's a picture for better understanding:

Left diagram shows a normal structure of a heart. Right diagram shows one with ARSA. (Picture credits to sonoworld.com )

Gynae explained that ARSA is found in about 1.4% of the normal population but a higher rate of ARSA is observed in foetuses with Down Syndrome. He suggested that I get an Amniocentesis (withdraw small amount of amniotic fluid from the sac that is surrounding the baby) done to check for any chromosomal abnormalities. It took two weeks for the precise results to be out but it felt like years. Thank God all went well, Liv was okay. But Gynae added that even if baby is normal, there is a possibility that the condition can cause respiratory and feeding difficulty. Our worry was not over until Liv was born, until she could drink milk and eat solids with no problem. Sigh of relief, I knew I was done riding the emotional roller coaster.

See! Liv is more than just healthy, she is very healthy!

True enough, by having Liv only will shortchange her of the chance to have an important relationship, a relationship with her sibling(s). But we wouldn't be worried that our little girl will feel lonely because she has mums and babies meet-ups, play dates and soon, preschool. She will learn how to navigate relationship struggles and resolve conflicts as she socialises extensively with other children. It may not be necessary to have siblings to pick up these abilities.

Fearlessly explore the world that awaits you because Mom and Dad is here to guide you..

S and I believe it is more important to focus and nurture our children, making them successful and useful to the society rather than merely boosting the population of the nation. Of course, we would not dismiss any possibilities of having another baby in years to come. Thinking may change over time and future is unpredictable. But as for now, we have decided not to multi-task and to focus on one child, placing our full attention and undivided love on her. The best part of having one child? We managed to strike a balance between work, family and life. We are overall a happier person. (:

Plentiful of hugs and kisses for our girl!

This post is solely on our personal views and decision. Parents have their own opinions on children which differ from other parents. Let's not judge and respect one another's choice in life. (: