Goodbye, My Only Child..

2 years ago, I wrote a blog on having just one child here. Back then, S and I were very firm with our decision. We wanted just Liv and only Liv, she was the best gift of our lives.

About 9 months ago, I felt unwell. The same sick feeling I had when I was pregnant with Liv. The positive result on the pregnancy test kit caught us by surprise (because we practise "caution" :x ) We visited the OB, that was when we heard Baby E's heart beating steadily and saw her tiny forming body for the first time. Waves of emotions overwhelmed me, I was overjoyed (it was love at first sight all over again) and at the same time, I couldn't help but felt lost. 

What about my firstborn?

Will I have time for her like I used to? 

Can she or rather all of us adapt to the changes?

I couldn't remember the times I teared up as I looked on at my fast asleep firstborn. We have such intimate mother-child bonding and the thought of not just she and I in the future, ever again, breaks my heart. After all, I was certain we would stop at one child. 

But then again, as my pregnancy progresses, so are our excitement to meet Baby E.  

At 39weeks pregnant, we (including Liv) are looking forward to welcome Baby E and dealing with what I call a "temporary separation anxiety".. we are indeed becoming more emotional..

  

Dear Firstborn, 

Ever since we broke the news to you that you are going to be a big sister, 

you have been extremely loving. 

You call yourself "big sister", 

kisses my tummy, 

and "talks" to your unborn baby sister. 

You have been asking on a regular basis, "when will I meet my baby sister?".

We can see how excited you are to meet her.

But at the same time, 

we can sense your anxiety too...

Those days when you were reluctant to sleep in your own room,

insisting on snuggling in our bed.

Those days when we were right beside you and

you would still tell us "Daddy, Mommy, I want you". 

Those days when you simply cried, 

wanting to be carried

and did not want to let go.

Those days when you looked at us 

and said "I love you"...

Don't be afraid, our firstborn. We love you as much as we did from the beginning. 

You first made us parents,

you taught us how to care for you first and so we can care for baby sister too.

You made us fall in love with you first and so we knew what is love to our children.

You're our bundle of joy just like your baby sister will be. 

We will always hold you both dearly, for as long as you and baby sister need us...

Love, Mommy & Daddy

Before Mommy goes into labor, let me hold you close once more, a little while longer.. 

Just you and me..

Photo inspired by Photographer Laura Paulescu

Our family dynamics might have changed, but our love for one another stays strong and constant.

S and I will try our best to be the best of parents to our beautiful children

and we are sure, 

Liv and Baby E will be the best of sisters. 

Goodbye, only child. And Hello, children. (:

We give thanks to God for blessing us always..

Turns out, We Are Raising Our Daughters The Wrong Way All These While!

Recently, I met up with a stay at mother for an afternoon tea. Just like me, she has a daughter too, probably just a couple of months older than my 15 months old baby. We have attended several mothers' group gatherings together and she seemed like a nice lady who was always keen to share baby care tips among us. Surprisingly, our meet up was not what I've expected though. I felt ridiculous and insulted at the end of our tea session. Cut long story short, our entire conversation revolved with her telling me on how parents can give as much as possible to our daughters, even if it is to cut down on essential expenses so as to save money for our daughters to wear well, eat good and go to expensive classes. She strongly believes that daughters should be treated like princesses in order to grow up into cultivated women. I couldn't disagree more but I didn't want to start a debate with her because she seemed really proud of how she took great care her princess. As we bid farewell at the end of our meeting, she gave Liv one last look and turned back to me. With a serious tone in her voice, she said, "I have been wanting to tell you this from the moment we met just now.. Perhaps you should start raising your child well.. Do give Liv the best, she needs to wear better clothes." I got really offended. Was she implying that I am not raising my child well because Liv was not wearing clothes that she thinks was good enough?! I handpicked every single pieces of Liv's clothes, making sure they are all made of comfortable quality materials! I did not expect such insensitive hurtful words to come from that lovely lady I had always thought she was. Anyway, no one has ever seen this woman who dresses her baby in Baby Dior and I appearing at the same time in group gatherings again since then.

 “富养女” is widely practised by many. It means to let the daughter lead an abundant life.

Some parents provide limitless material comforts and money to their daughters unconditionally even under unacceptable circumstances, excusing daughters from all sorts of house chores that they believe will ruin their precious little girl's delicate hands and also signing them up for arts and music classes, in hopes of them growing up into an elegant and tasteful fine lady. Like the lady I've chanced upon, these good intentions parents may be unaware of the true meaning of "abundant" all these while.

Abundant life does not refer to "wealthy life". The true meaning of it is to amply nurture our daughters mind and moral character. Not be arrogant but be modest. Not be bossy but be assertive. Not be ignorant but be knowledgable. Not be insensitive of others' feelings but be considerate. That said, there's nothing wrong giving the best to our daughters, just don't over do it. You can save up every pennies to "cultivate" your daughter but she is more likely to grow up into a spoilt "princess" who wants everything her way instead of who you originally wanted her to be. Material comforts and money are probably not proper ways to "mold" our girls into capable grown ups. An outstanding fine lady can only be nurtured in an environment where her family instils the right ways of life and moral to her from the very beginning..

• The more INITIATIVE you take, the more DILIGENT she'll be.
• The more you want to BE YOURSELF, the more INDEPENDENT she'll be.
• The more CONFIDENT you have, the more SELF-ASSURED she'll be.
• The more TRUTHFUL you are, the more HONEST she'll be.
• The more COMPASSIONATE you are, the more KIND-HEARTED she'll be.
• The more POSITIVE you are, the more APPRECIATIVE she'll be.

Family teaching and influence is crucial...

Lastly, a word to all selfless parents.. It must have been hard on you but you know what? You don't have to give up yourself just so that you can put in your 200% effort on raising capable children. Pamper yourself, continuously improve yourself and don't forget to love yourself as you love your child. When they see the change in you, a fresh you who is happy with your life, they will take you as their role model and want to be like you. Your influence is the greatest. It is beyond any material comforts they can have and any classes they can ever attend.

"Children are mirrors of their parents."  First, make our lives an abundant one and they will soon follow.. (:

Two Mothers In One Home: You And Your In-Law.

Photo courtesy of grandparents.about.com

It's been more than a year that Lisa* is living under one roof with her in laws after she got married to her husband. Things looked perfectly fine and harmonious in the family. Frequent family dining, plenty of conversations etc. As a new addition to the family, Lisa was very well taken care of by his husband's family too, they treated her like one of them. It was indeed one big happy family. It wasn't as much of the same as before since the birth of Lisa's first baby girl though. For instance, there are two mothers instead of one in the house. Lisa is one, her mother in law is the other. They have never bickered over anything but this changed when baby arrived in the family. This cute little baby girl is the love of Lisa's life (besides her husband) and is also the precious princess of her grandmother. That was when problems started arising and how "The Clash of the  Mothers" began. Both Lisa and her mother in law wants to shower baby girl with love and care in THIER OWN WAYS.

Man are made uniquely different. That said, mothers are unique individuals too. Because of the indifferences in caring and loving Lisa's baby, there were many times Lisa and her mother in law got into "friendly" disagreements. They did not raise their voices, it was more like a "try to keep the smile" while they debated. But deep down, both of them weren't exactly happy. Neither of them were to blame, It just happened that the two caring mothers are loving the same baby...under one roof.

Lisa was very determined right from the start to raise her baby the way she wants. Well, it did not turn out the way she wanted it to be. Somewhere, somehow, her ways just get interfered with. Living under the same roof, no one want things to turn ugly in the family, Lisa too, longed for peace in the family. Thus, she does not know how to make it clear to her mother in law in the nicest way so that she will fully return Lisa her rights to raise her own baby and still not be offended.

Lisa perfectly understands that everything her mother in law has done for her baby was good. They were acts of love to her baby but she couldn't help having occasional meltdown. Her mother in law's presence around her baby makes Lisa nervous. People said anxiety and moodiness are part of baby blues and they will go away when the body feels better from childbirth. They never really go away In Lisa's case. The intensity of her anxiety level pretty much fluctuates like a roller coaster. Her baby is one year of age now and she is still tensed. She has never stopped worrying..

When baby was on total milk feedings, she was worried that her baby was being overfed or underfed.

When baby first started crawling, she was worried that her baby got placed in the baby walker all the time to "learn walk and skip crawling".

When baby looked at adults' food in curiosity before she hits 6 months mark, she was worried that her baby was fed with food. (Lisa's worry was valid, being extra careful wasn't overreacting because what if her baby really did had a food allergy and she was fed with it?) 

And when baby first started solid food, she was even worried that her baby was fed with all sorts of food.

The list just goes on and on and on... 

Most of the time, Lisa gets her say over her baby. But as long as there are two mothers in the same house, she has never been in full control as a role of a mother. The two mothers in the house have 2 complete different set of ways on caring for babies. Lisa believes its never too early to allow her baby to start being independent. While on the other hand, her mother in law believes she needs to "do it all" for baby because she is very young to understand independency. Lisa has lost count of the times she had bury her head in her pillow and cried behind closed door. No one really is able to sympathise with her, perhaps except for the mothers' support group she is in where some mothers are facing the same complicated issue as her. Her relationship with her husband suffered too. Poor middleman husband comes home from a long day at work and find Lisa all sullen on many days. They communicated, they argued and then made up with each other, only to start the same cycle over again the next day.

It excites Lisa to know that she and her husband's home is finally going to be ready in a few more months to come. She loves the joy and unity in the family, she loves her extended family. But its time to return everyone in the family their deserved space (literally) and freedom. There are blurred boundaries while staying under one roof, where it can be easy for each other to butt into one another's life unknowingly. There is no right or wrong to stay together with in laws under one roof, but Lisa believes the family ties will be strong or if not, stronger when they live close but not too close together...